I graduated college and wasted a year of my life

Two months of grinding job applications after graduation finally landed me a contract SWE role at a promising startup. Two weeks to prove myself, then a shot at converting to full-time. Just work hard and ride off into the sunset, right?

Still, I couldn’t bring myself to care enough to be great.

It was the same nagging feeling I’d had during internships, something I used to blame on poor team fit or company culture. But deep down, I knew the truth: I wasn’t good enough neither in the skills or character needed to be a great software engineer. It took getting passed over for conversion, followed by two more months of failed job hunting, for that truth to finally sink in. And with it came a question I had been avoiding: where do I actually have a comparative advantage?

Fortunately, I’ve had a safety net. My parents run a traditional mattress business in Asia. It was always a running joke that I’d help out one day, but I never took it seriously, not with my three older siblings already involved. That wasn’t supposed to be my path. I was the youngest son, free to do what I wanted: study CS, work in the US, learn from the best, and eventually return home to build something of my own.

I still feel ashamed. Friends I used to keep pace with are now founding engineers at breakout startups, working at dream companies in SF/NYC or still grinding it out at Goldman. Me? I don’t have anything to show for since graduation. When they reach out, kindly and generously, I want to disappear. I ignore the texts. I make excuses. Not because they’re judging me, but because the version of me who entered college would be disappointed in how I’ve ended up.

Will I feel the same sense of dread helping out with the family business? Maybe. But this time, more is riding on me and I can’t continue being ungrateful for a position others would kill for. I’ve already wasted a year being passive and avoidant. I know what I have to do. I’ve known for a while. I just haven’t had the guts to act on it.

This isn’t some big announcement. It’s just me, waking up and living with intention. I’ve wasted enough time to know I don’t want to waste any more.